Offenses happen. People get their feelings hurt. Misunderstandings, unfulfilled expectations, careless remarks and other similar experiences in life can cause offenses.
So how should you respond when it happens to you?
The world system, which in reality is Satan's kingdom, functions as the exact opposite of God's kingdom. As a result, you can often identify the godly or proper action as the exact opposite of what you feel like doing. What is the natural response in a particular situation? Do the opposite. This obviously is not a principle you can use in every situation because you are renewing your mind to conform to God's and because you are allowing God to develop his character in you. But it might surprise you how often you can be right by doing the opposite of what comes naturally.
Keep this in mind the next time someone offends you or imposes their will on you. What is the natural response in that situation? Get angry, defend yourself, retaliate. What is the opposite of these responses, simply not doing them? No, the opposite of getting angry, defending yourself or retaliating is responding in gentleness and love, then forgiving the person who offended you. Do not hold them responsible for their action, or try to make sure they "get what's coming to them," or even "turn them over to God" so he can avenge you. Turn loose of the offense and let it go.
You choose to forgive, regardless of the severity of the sin against you. Your willingness to forgive is very important to God, as we see in Matthew 6:14-15. "For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins." That couldn't be much clearer. There is a direct correlation between God's ability to forgive you and your willingness to forgive others.
Who and what was Jesus talking about when he referred to forgiving men when they sin against you? Earlier in the same teaching he talked about people insulting you, persecuting you and falsely saying all kinds of evil against you because of Jesus (Mt 5:11). He referred to someone who strikes you on the face, which is a very offensive place to strike someone (Mt 5:39). He included those who want to sue you and take your possessions, or force you to serve them, or borrow something from you (5:40-42). He said you are to love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you (5:44). That list includes just about everyone who might give you opportunity to forgive.
Jesus taught his disciples about forgiveness on several occasions, including the following incident. "Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, ‘Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?'
"Jesus answered, ‘I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times'" (Mt 18:21-22).
Jesus was not specifying a numerical limit of seventy-seven, so you have no excuse for telling someone, "Okay, that's seventy-six times. You only have one more to go, so watch out!" He was using numbers to make a contrast that is easy to remember. Love "keeps no record of wrongs," so a tally of someone's offenses is out of the question (1 Cor 13:5). In a sense, when you forgive everything someone has done to you, their next offense is the first, so you never have more than one to forgive.
After Jesus stated that we should forgive more than just seven times, that is, virtually an unlimited number of times, he told a relevant parable to demonstrate his point. The story is a familiar one about a servant who was unable to repay an enormous debt to his king, but begged the king to be patient with him. In response, the king was more than patient; he canceled the servant's debt.
The servant immediately found another servant who owed him a meager amount and began choking him, demanding that the man pay him. When the man asked for patience, the first servant refused and had the man thrown in jail. When the king heard about it, he called the servant in and reprimanded him for not extending mercy to the other servant as he had received from the king. The king then had the unforgiving servant thrown in jail. At the end of the parable, Jesus states his main point about forgiveness: "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart" (Mt 18:35).
Before telling the parable, Jesus essentially said that you must forgive a brother as many times as he sins against you. Then after the parable he states very bluntly that if you refuse to forgive them, your Father will not forgive you.
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Eph 4:32). "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col 3:13). The phrase, "as the Lord forgave you," suggests he expects you to forgive others to the same degree he forgave you — completely.
Peter had asked Jesus how many times he should forgive his brother, that is, a spiritual brother, another Christian. Ephesians and Colossians refer to forgiving each other, which means other believers. As we saw earlier, you are to forgive those who are not believers, too. So whom do you forgive? Believers and nonbelievers, regardless of what they do to you.
One reason you need to forgive others is to enable God to forgive you, as we stated earlier, but that is not the only reason. Should you forgive someone because they did something to you and they need to be forgiven? No, because your forgiveness does very little (maybe nothing) for the offender.
Stop and think for a moment about what part of you gets offended. Your sinful nature. It is self-centered and responds to certain experiences with hurt, anger, self-pity and other emotions. The emphasis is on yourself, protecting yourself because you don't want to get hurt again, or avenging yourself for what they did to you, or even justifying your feelings of anger and resentment. It feels good to your sinful nature when you protect or avenge yourself; it feels natural and right.
Jesus taught that you should have a very different response, however. "You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.' But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also" (Mt 5:38-39). The word translated "resist" means to stand against or in opposition to; to oppose or resist. It is a very active and forceful word. The phrase, "evil person," refers to whatever evil causes pain or sorrow; actually, the word "person" is not in the Greek text.
So Jesus' teaching appears to mean that you should not protect yourself from whoever would try to harm you. The idea is not to allow only a second blow, then respond any way you want, any more than Jesus' teaching about forgiving seventy-seven times means to count a person's offenses. The emphasis of Jesus' teaching about turning the other cheek is on not protecting yourself.
Does this mean you should not take reasonable precautions, such as jumping away from a car that is about to hit you? Or getting away from a poisonous snake that is about to strike? Or closing up your house before a hurricane hits? Or getting an inoculation to avoid becoming ill? These address a different issue than forgiveness, so the verses we are considering in this chapter do not apply.
The verse we just examined said not to resist evil, but keep the context in mind: protecting yourself from offense or standing up for your rights. That verse does not mean you should not resist Satan. The Bible very clearly says, "Resist the devil, and he will flee from you" (Jas 4:7). Also, "Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith" (1 Pet 5:8-9). The evil you are not to resist originates with other people, which is why the translators inserted the word "person" in Matthew 5:39, "Do not resist an evil person," but you must resist the devil.
Incidentally, the same Greek word for "resist" appears in Matthew 5:39 (do not resist an evil person), James 4:7 (resist the devil) and 1 Peter 5:9 (resist the devil). Satan is not the one who causes your everyday offenses, rather it is the sinful nature in the person who offends you.
If you must forgive someone who has hurt you or done you harm, should you simply allow them to do it and never talk to them about it? No, and especially not if they are a Christian. You have an obligation to other believers to help them mature and become more Christ-like, so it is important to give them opportunity to improve. In fact, the Bible gives very clear instruction on how to do it. Earlier in this chapter we referred to Peter asking Jesus if he should forgive another believer as many as seven times. Peter's question was prompted by what Jesus had just said.
"If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.' If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector" (Mt 18:15-17).
One purpose for going to a believer who has hurt or harmed you is to give them opportunity to acknowledge their fault and respond appropriately. Another purpose for going to them is to give yourself opportunity to express love and interest for them, denying the self-centered demands of your sinful nature. You should never try to make them feel bad or manipulate them into admitting they were wrong. Those would be selfish motives and therefore sinful. Instead, your goal must be to forgive them, as Peter recognized when he asked Jesus how many times he should forgive.
If the person is not a believer, the circumstances would determine whether you should go to them. Any attempt to manipulate them would be wrong. Your purpose for going would be to express godly character and deny the demands of your sinful nature.
If there were a vicious, deadly animal in your house threatening your family, you would not try to appease it, hoping it will be satisfied and leave you alone. No, you would use whatever force is necessary to eliminate it as a threat. That is exactly how you must treat your sinful nature. And an excellent way to do that is to forgive someone who has hurt you.
This article is a very brief excerpt from a book chapter which addresses the following topics: